On Boredom

Gawd I'm fickle. I can spend days on this laptop doing absolutely nothing - where the fuck does the time go? It's the same with XBOX - I bought one and spent days (which seemed like five minutes just tossing time out the window trying to increase my power meter just one more notch.

But now I can't be arsed. I can't be arsed about a lot of things lately. I'm just so - meh. Lifeless even. See that film Trainspotting with Renton with the scene featuring Renton in the pub being clean for a change and life whizzes past? That's me that is. Content to sit and do nothing. Except, at the same time I feel I'm wasting my life. Shouldn't I be doing something worthwhile? Is there a whale somewhere that needs saving?

When I left school I was a cock. But that's irrelevant. I had one career option in mind: something to do with computers. Hmm. Bit of a wide span of options there. I just couldn't narrow them down. Programmer? Too boring. Office worker? Maybe generic enough to warrant a 'yes'. And that's as big as my list got. You see, 'ambition' wasn't in my vernacular. It's not that I don't like my current vocation. Caring for my wife enables me to perform the one thing I'm actually good at - slobbing. (Talent! Another thing I lack. I excel in being not very good at pretty much everything).

So, if anyone has good ideas of how I can make proper use of my copious amounts of spare time and you think I may enjoy it as much as watching series' of TV programs and reading the latest Sci-Fi opus, let me know. Please.

Inventions that should be invented #2

Have you ever tried to give an animal a pill? It's a very tricky procedure. At one and the same time you have to hold all four legs, open it's mouth, hold it still and, balancing the pill on your finger, force your finger to the back of it's mouth, risking life, fingers and the possibility of losing various amounts of skin.

So, I propose this: a device for holding the animal still. It shall be called Parapet (Paralysed Pet obviously).

Imagine a mitre saw. There shall be four holes, two at the front two at the back into which the legs can be placed and they're all fixed into place, with struts between them. This shall all attach to a neck collar so the head can also stay still. And a horsey type bit to keep it's mouth open. If Peter Jones, entrepreneur extraordinaire, is reading, I'll let you have 20% in exchange for £250,000.

And he's out! Yay.

He's free. Is he? Great. Nice one....but who the fuck cares? Apart from his family obviously.

He's been on the news nightly "Today is the 53rd day of Alan Johnson's capture", and the 54th, 60th, 61st and every one in between. If I was kidnapped would they do the same? They're not even still talking about sweet, photogenic Madeleine. That's what fucks me off about the media and people in general: always out to protect their own little group.

Take the police (or their televised versions anyway): someone is knifed and an incident room is set-up, knife a copper and GRRRRRRRR Inpector Knacker of the Yard brings along his 3000 mates, jack boots (for the stomping of fingers) and knuckle dusters (not for cleaning). Is the original victim less worthy? No.

Terry Waite, being kidnapped for a 'long time' should have been on the news nearly 2000 times but probably numbered his appearances in the tens (have you noticed how well researched these articles are? I could work for the Sun).

Satan is an Insomniac

Aaah, Paddy, my gorgeous kitten tom cat. You play, you fight, you look generally cute. If you could just let me have some sleep now and again I'd be most appreciative. To that end, I've got to start being not nice to you.

I am going to prod you, shake you, forcibly play with you and do pretty much anything else I can think of to keep you awake. You shan't go to sleep before my bedtime, you shall be so tired that you shall lay motionless all night. No longer will you jump on my head with all claws extended. You will not hit me in the eye. And hopefully you won't need a shit and stink my bedroom out.

You don't like punishments. This isn't to say you don't like being punished, I just really don't think you give a toss. A spray of water in the face? You don't flinch. A shout? A slap? You carry on regardless. Throwing you from the bed to the floor three hundred times a night? You still come back for that three hundred and first time. So I will play with you and by god you will play with me. You're on me right now trying to get to sleep. Your eyes are drooping. I'm going to put you on the floor now and make you walk. Soz.

Stupid Boy(s)

See that there terrorist that attacked Glasgow Airport? He was a doctor, he was. Isn't it a prerequisite that doctors have to have brains? Shouldn't his intelligence have at some point asserted itself in the form of the thought "hold on, what I'm about to do is monumentally fucking evil and stupid"?

But then, terrorists, or freedom fighters depending on your viewpoint - let's not forget Che, the original celebrity terrorist, is beloved by students everywhere - are stupid in general.

Play Pick-A-Target. Almost anywhere would be better than half the places these people come up with. Central London? Dya think they might be expecting that sort of thing? Much? Here in Plymouth we have the largest naval base in Europe and yet not a single incident happens. CND don't even demonstrate here. Drive past the base and there's an old fart on guard reading the Sun and smoking a fag. Half the time the barrier isn't even down.

Or hows about sending a one man army AKA Jimmy Suicide Bomber to a football match? Stand in amongst all those fans and KABOOM! Up goes half of the supporters for Plymouth Argyle.

Or walk around a car park, a tiny bit of dynamite per car, you could blow up thousands of the things without being caught. All those angry owners would soon lobby Parliament to pull out of Iraq or your country of preference (perhaps a handy note left under the windscreen wiper?).

But no, let's (mostly) attack the highly defended places in the country where the police and Fire Brigade practice daily for just these things. Stupid.

NB Previously you could walk into Plymouth Airport and onto the runway almost unhindered.

Not funny jokes

I'm currently being made to watch the concert being performed in memory of Princess Diana. As a sign of protest I thought it might be nice to remember the jokes that came out after her death. If you remember any, please add them.

What does DIANA stand for? Died In A Nasty Accident.

Bob Geldof is walking through Heaven and approaches the pearly gates (having just died).
"Yo, St Peter" says Bob.
"Erm...hello" Says Pete.
"So when do I get ma fuckin' halo, then?"
"Aaah. There are many years of being a junior angel before you my son for you to receive that most precious gift of our Lord".
"You what? What about her?" Bob points to his left where Princess Di is gliding serenely along, complete with ring about her head.
"Ah, no" says St Pete, "that's a steering wheel".

I look good