Tuesday, August 07, 2007

A Dietary Miracle

I used to be a scientist. I'd be sat in my Psychology A-Level class and we'd be talking about...something. "Well", said the lecturer, "Blokey had a big thought and did an experiment, whereby he found if you whack a dog enough times with a big stick, after a time, the dog will avoid the stick". Well blow me down. I'd only gone and worked that out literally days before. (Which is not today's story).

Well, recently I made another big discovery. I'm fat, see? Well, tubby. Podgy, maybe. My 'ideal' weight, being six feet tall, is 13 stone which even as a child I have never been. I currently reside somewhere between 14 and a half and fifteen stone (depending on how my digital scales feel). This is not a problem. The problem is that I also feel like shite. My general fitness is awful. SO wifey, bless her, is trying to get me fit and insists I eat 'healthily' and exercise 'every day'. Scoff.

I am now the proud owner of a stepper machine. It fulfils the joint requirements of a) being silent b) doesn't require me to leave wifey by herself and c) means I can read while I exercise. I formerly had a treadmill, went for walks, ran up and down the stairs and many others, all of which transgressed Asimov's rules of exercise.

I'm Some whole but most in smoothies in my new blender courtesy of Rosemary Conley. Yummy. Blended you tend to be able to fit in far more fruit, see? In a standard day I can get through three apples, half a punnet of strawberries, two peaches and a banana and that's without the veg in my main meals. And this is my discovery. The more fruits and veg you eat, the more you go number twos. You'd think it'd be a one for one trade. An apple in, an apple-sized amount of pooh, out. But no. See, I swear I'm going for far more than my fair share of visits to the defecation throne. Each visit could be measured in litres (note the liquid measurement). And thus I'm losing weight.

I should write this up in Nature. I could call it Fruity Pooh.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Family Dysfunction

The wife is not relatively challenged. She's got 'em everywhere. We have functions to go to on more than a regular basis. I hadn't counted on this when I became her husband. I do more than my fair share of stuff for her already, don't I? I'm not quite sure she sees it that way.

Thus, on Saturday I was dragged (rope around my wrists attached to a tow-bar on her 'chair) to a wedding. Not that we were invited to the daytime do, oh no, mere cousins were only to attend the evening buffet and disco. Chavtastic. It was the usual case of half the family not talking to the other. Luckily, I was sat facing a mirror near the door so could see all the fit birds as they walked in. It was only later that I realised I could even see them on the other side of the room. This was a first and one I put down to the simple fact of the smoking ban. What a wondrous thing that is. When I got home my shirt went straight back in the wardrobe and not to be incinerated. I didn't need a shower. The wife and I could cuddle in bed. We could breathe all night!

My god it was a boring night only enlivened by the groom's parents doing 'professional' dancing. They were shite, too. It's at times like this that realise the entertainment value of my brother-in-law. He's a twat but he's someone to talk to, to have a laugh with. I couldn't talk to my mother or father-in-law obviously. Wifey wasn't in the mood. So I was left to my own devices, sitting in my chair singing cheesy disco songs. And not once did I think of going to have a wank in the toilets.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Media Schnobs

Ever read Dan Brown's Da Vinci code? I have. It's really very poorly written and has massive logic gaps. But OMG it's exciting. I'm currently reading The Runelord series by David Farland. They're poorly written too. Truth be told I'd have stopped with book one (of four!) but it's impossible to put down. I simply must know how, with only 250 pages, Gaborn is to kill all the Reavers and destroy Raj Ahten. No doubt it'll be some massively contrived cop out but gawd I love it. Latest Harry Potter? Utter tripe, as they all have been. And yet, I've read them all because I just have to know what happens next.

Recently I've developed the ability, indeed you might call it a preference, to watch only rubbish films. I tried to watch Syriana, I did, honest. By God it was boring. So I put on The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe instead. Crackin' film. Just what is happening to me lately? Formerly I'd have been of the opinion that it's populist shite (Armageddon shall forever be in this camp) but in reading certain forum opinions I've now decided to embrace all that is crap for although a lot of it is, some of it is actually quite enjoyable. If still crap.

Some people seem to campaign against the Dan Brown's for appealing to the Lowest Common Denominator. Well, so what? If more people like it surely that says something? Stop trying to be elitist. It's not that I disagree with the schnobs, I just feel disgusted at people's attitudes and want to stick up for the crud.

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