Sunday, August 07, 2011

Hell is a roadtrp with 2 german women

So. South Africa. Awesome country. Beautiful. Interesting. Very hard to see anything without a car.

There's a hop on hop off bus you can do which isn't cheap and covers some of the most boring terrain and places you've ever seen. The Garden Route? I'd rather sit in my own garden for a year. In winter.

So, I thought on arrival, order of the day is find some hot foxy chicks to do a roadtrip with. Guys would have been acceptable too, foxy or not. But nothing beats long hours on a roadtrip like long hours on a roadtripdrive when there's the chance, if very vague and remote, of sordid back country sex. So an hour after arriving in Cape Town I'd somehow managed to convince two german women (only one of whom was slightly sexy) to do a roatrip. This was awesome. Save money! Have company! Let's go have sordid back country sex. I mean fun. Fun! Yes!

But it so wasn't. I want to get something out of the way. At the end of this story if you're asking yourself why I didn't leave sooner I wanted to get to Lesotho, where Steven Biko hid out. Getting there and travelling around is impossible without a car (despite the fact I met a very young woman who said she did it but SHE LIED. Obviously).

It just became a constant battle. These were two sisters both in their early twenties, one with a frankly bizarre name. Let's call them Lana and Griswald. Lana was ginger but kind of hot. She was the younger. Griswald was slightly older and a PHD student and was the antithesis of sexy. And she was very boring. I spent most of my time talking to Lana who was interested in learning better English. As time went on though, the position became reversed due in most part to the massively selfish twunty ways of Lana. But that's later.

We weren't allowed the windows open. Ever. We wweren't allowed the air on. Ever. Apparently this causes illness (a wonderful gift of knowledge from their mother). Imagine 3 people in a small car. It got a bit stuffy to say the least.

They were so worried abour food. I'm quite chilled. I'm a big advocate of c'est la via and que sera. Missing a meal doesn't bother me but I will complain to high heaven that I'm hungry. Not this pair. We had to do a 20kn detour back to a shop we passed when they suddenly realised "OMG it's Sunday!". This was midday. I tried assuring them there'll be other shops, other villages and OMG even restaurants!! But they were so bloody neurotic they didn't care.

Which is strange because they hated wasting petrol. If we ever stoped to look at a view the car would go into neutral and we'd jst glide...have you ever glided from 70mph on a flat to negative angled road? You go for awhile...(All these points are leading to a story by the way. One more...)

6am was our time to leave. Not to get up. To leave. If it didn't happen life wasn't worth living. Now, looking back, we got far more done for doing it, I admit it. But the reaction if I suggested maybe leaving at 7...OMG. Hiroshima doesn't compare. I don't know what the Japanese complain about. Lana at 0630 is a sight to behold...which is where the story starts (see the link? see it? I'm awesome I am)

South Africa is bloody cold in th winter. Nobosy expects it but it is. the car was always covered in sheets of ice. So I come out of the hostel with my bag. Lana always made it clear where she was sitting for the day, no questions asked, by putting her coat in the car. Generally on a front seat. Back seat? Noooooo. This one morning she' stood doing something at the car. She holds the keys out to me and says "would you like to drive?". Note the passive aggressiveness. OK I said. I can't be bothered to think when I wake up and certainly not at half past OMG.

As soon as I get in I turn the engine on, heater on full.

She turns the heater off.

"What did you do that for?"? I ask

"It's not hot yet".

I rev the car.

"Can you not do that?" she says.

"Why not?"

"It wastes petrol"

"it also makes it heat up faster"

I rev it once more. I kid you not, she storms out of the car, indeed she runs to...somewhere. And all day long she utters not a word of english. No, she wasn't 12.

Her sister was annoying too. She said the most offensive things and said them all with a smile on her face. Fist. Through. Face. Everything you said she'd deny without cast-iron proof.

"IIt might rain later"

"I do not think so. The weather report last year said it would not until tomorrow..."

And she let Lana walk all over her. They often shared food. Salad boxes for example. And evertytime Lana got to eat it first. Lana held all the food and would pass it back if Griswald asked for something.

Second story:

I'm not going to tell it. I just realised it's a very long story by itself and the details are tedious. The only pertinent detail is that we weren't allowed the radio on. Ever. Or at least not much. The short version is we ended up arguing over 2 euros. 2 euros! I lose and waste more every day! It's at this point I decided I needed to leave ASAP. Luckily we'd already been to Lesotho. And 30 seconds later Lana threw me off the car anyway. Her sister relented and retracted the throwing off half an hour later. So we agreed that when we got to Durban I'd leave. OK.

This was going to be in about 3 days. I can survice until then. It was a very long 3 days.

We're about 100km out of Durban.

"Take this turnoff"

"What for?"

"The airport is down there"

"Why are we going to the airport?" I ask.

"We will drop you off there"

No. No. No.

Luckily I'm driving so I have no fear.

"We agreed you'd drop me in Durban"

"Yes but we won't get to {town I can't remeber the name of} until it's dark"

"Not really my problem. Perhaps we shouldn't have gone to the cat sanctuary that you wanted to go to"

"But it was nice. We will go to the airport. You can get a bus from there"

"What? Are you insane? You do know where we are? It's far easier for you to drive to {town} than it is for me to get a bus from a random bloody airport"

Cue nuclear armageddon in the car. As it turned out they ended up staying in the same hostel as me for the next 2 days anyway. Not that we spoke to each other. We were facebook friends until 3 days into the trip when I felt the need to bitch about them.

I saw them 2 or 3 other times in southern africa and it was always a little uncomfortable. And the older sister always smiled. Eithe she wasn't aware it was uncomfortable or...something else.


Kristen Cockburn said...

What about the awesome Canadian that you met and she gave you her lonely planet????

Carolinita (your toblerone girl) said...

And I was jealous of two! jajaja

Jamie Starbuck said...

Kristen: that's a story for another day :)

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