Friday, March 30, 2007

The Common Garden Oik

I'm not a nice person. This has been acknowledged on quite a few occasion including the time I alluded to my maths lecturers weight problem by shouting to the entire class that it wasn't possible for her to be under twenty stone. Beetroot? She was. I just sat there larfing and larfing...Hi Beverley by the way (Peoples College, Maid Marian Way, Nottingham for anyone that wants to enquire after her rotund wellbeing). I like to think I have standards though; I'd happily punch a woman given enough of a pummeling by one but I'd help her stand after.

But not even I'd stoop so low as to SWEAR IN FRONT OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW.

This has got to be the most heinous of crimes. Murder cannot compare. Paedophilia? A mere trifle. See, it's not hard to continue my status of Golden Boy when you have my brother-in-law. He's the kind of person that tells his obnoxious six year-old daughter to tell other people to F*** off "cuz it's funny". Yeah, that's funny. See in twenty years that your daughter is a delinqnuent drug user like you? See those needle track marks? See those bruises on her inner thigh? That's your fault that is. Harsh but true.

So later when we're at a childrens birthday party and his four year-old niece wets her knickers, he calls her a bitch. Hmm. Needle track marks.

Well, 'Kate' goes ballistic on his ass not that he cares. He comes wading into the kitchen "Aah f***, F***y, C**t". (That's known as paraphrasing). Well, I never thought eyes could actually leave one's head but my ma-in-laws certainly did. You could watch the tumble weeds glide past before another word was said...which was quite some time as we had to fight with a bread knife to get between the bickering pair. It was only later, as is the 'Jones' way, that the truth came out about how she really felt. Which wasn't exactly a surprise.

In my quest for readers I've developed a plan: I shall include phrases on all my posts that are either unique or aim for the more populist google searches eg I'd like to see Britney Spears naked (see what I did there? I got a freebie. Britney Spears? Naked? Freebie? Hmm.) This posts phrase shall be: Reticulating flange


Gary said...

I am a the premier world expert on reticulating flanges and just had to pay you a visit and say hello...Ok so not really but you looked like you could use a comment and some contact from the outside world.
Ian Holloway - top bloke!
Cornwall - top county.
Devon - close second.

Jamie Starbuck said...

See?? It works. Not even half an hour has passed. Cheers Gary! May your trouser snake be ever sated.

Gary said...

and I didn't even get to you with a google search! Amazing...

I used to have a thing about muffins but I've recently left that behind me.

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