Saturday, December 08, 2012

A few questions that I need to know

I've got a lot of closure these past three years. I've learned a lot; about myself, others, relationships, food...but there are some things I'd still like to know. I still feel attached to knowing:

How did I get the scar on my leg?

So there's a scar on my calf. I've had it for years and years. It's about 9 cms in length and 2 wide and points downward. According to my mum, who I've asked this question on numerous times, it "got caught in a door". How? It seems to me entirely infeasible to get a scar in that orientation from a door but she's always refused to elaborate. Despite host feel about her I'm still willing to give her the benefit of the doubt because it's hard to quantify that she was physically abusive. If you have a possible answer please let me know.

What did I do to Linda?

My stepmother at one point when I was living with her and my father fell apart crying and screaming and threw me out. I think I've documented this before. Go find it. What did I do? I've asked different family members at different times but they're a) not willing to tell me (weak) b) not willing to ask her (highly likely) or c) she's not willing to communicate what it was because it was so god awful terrible. I'd know wouldn't I if that was the case? I know I've blanked out a lot of stuff from that point in my life but still...

How would my life have been different if I'd said 'yes'?

So I'm 15. Never had a girlfriend. A girl two years below me liked me. She told me. She told me by cornering me in the science block and demanding to be my girlfriend. I said no. What the fuck, Jay?!? She asked me to meet her after school BEHIND THE SCIENCE BLOCK. I said no. What the fuckity fuck, you stupid twunt? Why would you say no?? Well, I was terrified. I had no idea what to do if she...well I didn't know what she'd do to be honest. AND NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW. I could've had my first kiss. A tug. A BLOWIE! My confidence could've taken a major boost, I could've grown sexually, I'd've learned what to do with this bit of flesh between my legs...

Why do people not reply to the letters I write?

I've written various letters over the past few years to people from my past, either to clear the air, air a grievance, or to rip them to shreds. I'm not sorry about any of them but I do regret one of them. Only two people have ever bothered responding. To be quite honest I wasn't expecting a reply, I was so full of self righteous judgement, and what I got back both times was mature, spoken from the heart, surprising depth. Both times I realized I'd maligned these people for years. One of the other letters was very sensible - I know. A friend approved it. One was deeply personal, heartfelt and heartbreaking to write and a follow up quite caustically mean. What reaction did they cause? Was a reply ever going to come?

What happened when I was 13?

Something happened. I was in my room. Angry. So very, very angry. I had my music turned up just loud enough to deny being able to hear my mum shouting me for dinner. Which she did. And it made me angrier. She just kept shouting and shouting...wouldn't it be more sensible after awhile to either stop shouting or climb up the two flights of stairs? Save your voice, woman. But what made me angry? I wish I knew. That was the year I changed. It was the year the anger started. I went home from school at the start of the holidays a quiet, timid, precocious youngster. I went back defensive, trying to be funny to deflect the crap around me, nervous. And angry. The anger was there. Starting. Building. What. Happened.

What could I have been?

As I said, I was precocious. World at my feet. Options abounded. And then one day I gave up. I decided not to go to university. I accepted a shitty job I hated. I did it for six years. I married a woman out of desperation. We were together eight very long years. I got depression. Things got bad. Shit got real. Where would I be right now if I'd given a shit? If I'd had ambition? Or courage?

There are others but these are top of the tree. Answers on a postcard.


Hayley said...

Jamie you really need to let go of the past for fucks sake!!! the fact that you continue to slag of your dad MY MUM, your own mum who is not in no position to defend herself mentally and the rest of your family.This so called journey you have taken seems to have made you a very bitter person life is too short to carry grudges. you are going to end up a very bitter old man, you need to move on and stop trying to blame everyone else shit happens but people pick themselves up and get on with there lives you try
doing the same. And no Jamie this is my opinion and not anyone else s, you are not the person i believed you were too much anger destroys what good you may have had and its such a shame. Enjoy your life and move on!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't believe I slagged off anyone here. Please feel free to point out where I did.

If life is too short to hold grudges do I take it your mum is actually ready to tell me what it is I did? Cuz I assume you've said the same thing to her.

I was a bitter person before I started this 'so called' journey. Am I bitter now? Not sure. Go read some of my earlier blog posts and tell me there's no difference.

Again, I don't feel I've blamed anyone in this post. I've not blamed anyone for awhile. It's one of the many ways I've grown. But you wouldn't know that.

You don't know where I am, what I'm doing, what I intend to do, who with, so I don't see how you can say I'm not getting on with life.

I wouldn't have thought it anyone else's opinion...I find that a bizarre comment to be honest.

Ah, finally we get to something I agree with. I'm not that person, no. I'm not the person anyone thought I was. I hid a lot of feeling as I thought it was for the better. I hid anger, resentment, judgement, jealousy and many other things I felt wouldn't be appreciated by others all in the name of being nice and wanted and pleasant and Loveable. I've learned to be the me I want and need to be: in the moment, honest, free. If you choose not to appreciate that then that's your choice.

And you've no concept of how much I'm enjoying life. You couldn't fucking comprehend it. So lose the judgement, Hayley. Do I tell you how to live YOUR life?

Anonymous said...

I know your dads side of the family jamie and to be honest they aren't the people you have painted them out to be. Maybe you should have tried to resolve all the issues before you told them you were moving in with them when your marriage wasn't working out. It wasn't their choice was it, everything seems to be about what you have decided you want, do you seriously expect people to just forget the evil and vile things you have written to them in the past just because YOU decided you wanted them back in your life. Maybe if you had discussed all the crap you wrote beforehand things would have been different. Even so, they did let you back into their lives and their home didn't they but to everyone around it just seemed like you wanted to cause as much trouble as possible between the family. You weren't the nicest of people Jamie in fact you were very condescending to them and having read your previous blogs you actually said they were common, well let me tell you something they may not be the kind of people you wish them to be but they are one of the most loving and closeknit families that i know and it's a shame that your anger and bitterness toward them prevented you from being a part of it, but it was your choice let's not forget that, everything has been your choice, seeing your dad or not seeing your dad, your choice, so don't go blaming them for everything that's gone wrong in your life and you do blame them, your previous blogs make that quite clear. I hope you have managed to put some issues behind you and you have moved on because all bitterness does is eat you away and life is far to short for that, just accept that you and Lin are never going to get on that is just a fact of life.

Anonymous said...

Who ever has said that last comment all I can say is 'Well said',jay I no we wasn't close I didn't no you but this rearly has to stop,please don't say bad things about my mum and dad they are amazing people would do anything for anyone and some of the things I've only just read about my mum made me cry you have painted her out to be evil that's horrible.just look to the furture and stop rakeing up the past not going to get you nowhere just forget and move on joanne.

Jamie Starbuck said...

Dear Joanne

Thanks for the reply. All I've done is state fact of what happened, asked questions, and explained my feelings on the subject. I don't see how that relates to making your mum out to be evil. As I said to Hayley: please point out any section you feel does this.

If you knew anything about the current 'me' you'd know I am moving on. I had hoped my most recent blogs were indicative of this. Maybe that's something for me to work on.

I'm going to take your final advice to forget and move on. I'd ask you and the rest of your family to do the same. Pretend I don't exist. It'll make life that much easier.


Jamie Starbuck said...

As regards the comment left at 3:38 I disagree with most of what you said to be honest. If you read the rest of my blog you'll see why.

Anonymous said...

Moving on really? doesnt sound like it as you are still talking about the same old shit. Why is it all about you, you make your life sound so hard done by, which im sure it wasnt always. You are so negatively focused, maybe you need to start asking why your brain functions in that way?

I'm sure every individual that you slate/mention has their own side of the story. Maybe you should start backing off and letting people live their lives, instead of still bringing all this crap up and upsetting people. You arent doing them any good or yourself!

Jamie Starbuck said...

It's like people don't read what I write. It really is.


Anonymous said...

What a terrible person, I hope he is buggered every single day in prison.

Bitter, arrogant, self-centered psychopath.

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Sopia Sonya said...

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