An apology and explanation of how I came to need to make it

To everyone I've met or talked to the past three years - I'm sorry. I lied to you by omission. Some of you gave me hope and helped pull me through the hell I was in; some proved that people aren't as shit as I'd always thought; that neither was I. And some were simply wonderful.

We chatted, we talked, we laughed and cried. We shared secrets and spent much time together. And yet you might not have done if I'd been honest. I removed your choice of deciding who I really was, I impacted negatively upon you by withholding a vital piece of information and for that, I apologise.

Three years ago I was in a bad way to say the least. I thought I was insane, I may actually have been. I was consumed by anger and fear. Anger at past injustices, fear at the future and controlled by a need to be loved. I was suicidally depressed and without a hope. And then I saw a way out and took it: I went traveling. I absolved myself of all responsibility and ran away. I didnt know I was looking for something at the time. I was looking for me, the me I was happy with and to be.

I found myself in Indonesia and met a German woman called Elena. I offloaded a lot of shit and she gave me a book: When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön. Just the act of someone giving me a book wowed me! Who is this stranger to do something so touching? I thought it looked like so much self-help bollocks and kind of dismissed it but I started reading it and something clicked inside. It resonated. Finally someone was telling me things can be alright, that it's OK to just be ourselves and most importantly to "Abandon Hope". That's it. It's that simple. Give up expecting things to change and just accept what is. I walked out of there changed in a fundamental way. I started looking at things afresh, with a new perspective. I found myself accepting other people for who they were - becoming tolerant for God's sake! I promised to read it everyday it shook me up that much. I broke that promise because at a later point I met somebody who also seemed to be in need of it. I like to think its slowly working its way around the world...

After a whole series of adventures I got to InanItah (go read my previous blogs on the subject but let's just say I changed massively). When I say 'a whole series of adventures' a lot of things had to happen in a certain way, at a certain time, for me to arrive at this random place I'd never heard of on a specific date. It was almost enough to make me believe in a higher power. But not quite.

While I was there I read Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication and it put me in touch with me. I was suddenly able to ask myself what it was I wanted and to actually have a conversation without being bored to fucking tears. I was able to listen! The conversations I had were qualitatively so much better. I learned not to judge and accept other peoples judgments of me were theirs to hold, not mine. How had nobody explained this to me before?

And I recently read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, most of which actually is bollocks IMO. Lots of people have recommended it to me in the past but I resisted until I met a lovely woman called Leticia. She was so in touch with herself and the basic lesson is just to exist, here, and now. Don't worry about tomorrow, the next five minutes or even ten seconds time. What is happening NOW?

These three books are what I needed three years ago. I didn't need lots of people telling me to pick myself up, or sighs of exasperation, or being put under more and more pressure. There were many times I just needed someone to talk to without judging me. There was a time when I was still on crutches I stormed out of the house when it was snowing and i was wearing not a lot. I needed someone to come after me and tell me it was alright; I didn't need to find my own way home, spend two hours in bed uncontrollably shivering, and get divorce papers a few days later.

I was suicidal until approximately three weeks ago. I'd had a plan for a long time involving pills, a plastic bag and booze. I stole my ex-wife's Tramadol. I collected bits and bobs of pills. I frequented various chemists along the way and researched how much it was going to hurt. I'm nothing if not methodical. See, I lied about that, too. I told everyone I met there were three reasons I'd stop traveling: running out of money; being bored or running out of places to go. That was a lie. My plan was always to kill myself at the end. I had a list of must see things before I did it. Angkor Wat, Maccu Piccu, the Nazca Lines....these were the only things keeping me going. It was my sole purpose in life. What scorn I felt for the suckers stuck in offices - what is your life worth if you've never seen the Ellora Caves? You will die culturally poor while I'll die having concentrated so much worthwhile experience into a few glorious years. And I was wrong.

I was holding judgement. I was attached to the idea of one life being better than another. Who am I to say? I find myself now challenging my attachments and judgements. I've lost my need for sugar and caffeine. I'm (mostly) vegan. I do yoga. Why? Because I found out who I was and who I wanted to be.

During a period of time on the beach in Colombia I actually did it. I tried to commit suicide. I thought it unlikely I'd be able to cross the border into Ecuador and so, logically, my travel was at an end. I didn't want to go home - there was nothing there for me. So I got drunk, took the pills, bag over head and passed out. I woke up, obviously. And I started questioning who I was and what I wanted. What did I need? Well, I'd promised myself I'd get to Maccu Piccu so fuck the border guards I was going to go. I'd already been doing yoga a lot for awhile but it took on a whole new meaning to me. I found myself suddenly being calm, non-judgemental, and accepting. I liked me and I was so fucking zen. I could see the future I wanted (while accepting there was very little chance of it ever actually happening). I wanted to be a yoga teacher; I wanted to be a therapist and I wanted to be ethical. I started living these things and it was wonderful. At 36 years of age and finally to be who I wanted to be and be happy with it - it's the stuff of dreams. My heart could literally burst asunder.

But to do it I had to use you all. I had to lie and not tell you something. If in the future you find out what this something is remember the me I became and not the me that was for they're two very different people. It's difficult to imagine being that person.

I'm ready to come home now. I'll be there in about five weeks give or take because I'm finally ready to face up to life.

A special thanks to:

Chuck - the bravest man I ever knew who shared a secret with me. I only wish I was as strong.

Gaia - for showing me how I'd been emasculated and just for being Gaia.

Leticia - wow

Betty - who didn't deserve the shit I gave, who tried to be a friend to me when all I did was cause harm

Carolina - who was, unknowingly to her, possibly right all along

And:

The woman who gave me a watch, Lislott, Sarah, Melissa (who I loved a little bit), Steve, Bernd and Sierra.